One Shot Heard 'Round the World

ikkyuu_nyuu_kon @ 2004-02-28T17:40:00

2004-02-28T23:40:46Z

I think that I might have a problem. A very, very bad problem.

Hiyoshi won...

2004-02-20T06:17:52Z

...by... well, I'm not sure, but he crushed me into bits of Ohtori in the latest game of our go saga. Twice.

That's okay though, because he's talking to me again! That is, talking to me normally (as normally as Hiyoshi gets), instead of asking me to kindly 'shut up.'

I'm so happy~ It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe again.

...

2004-02-18T03:10:09Z

... I think Hiyoshi is mad at me...

He didn't apologize at all for the stray ball...

It's really... quiet in here.

Happy Birthday to me! [non-private entry]

2004-02-17T06:08:19Z

... well, two days ago, actually. Between being handcuffed Saturday morning, to spending time with Ryou in the afternoon, to Hiyoshi's play that night, and then spending all day with my family and Sengoku-kun on Sunday, I simply didn't have the time to wish a Happy Birthday to myself!

Of course, the tradition of my family is that one spends one's birthday reflecting on the year gone by, on what was done and what was not, so that one may start off the latest year of life with goals in mind.

It's sort of like New Year's... but... hm. It's more intensely personal, more intimate, because it applies to you alone, as you age from child to adult during the journey of life.

I talked with my mother about it and have concluded that I'm fairly happy with my life as it is now. There are a few things I do regret--Kamio-kun comes foremost to mind, especially now that I had the chance to meet Ibu--but I am generally happy. I have done well--I could have done better--but I have done well. And I will continue to do well, to do better, as my years continue to pass and fade.

I am happy. Content. Perhaps I am not ambitious, but if my life chose to stay like this, I would not mind in the least.

Otherwise, this weekend has been... ... well, it was certainly something else!

Both my mother and Nanna finally got to meet Sengoku-kun! I think Nanna really likes him--the two certainly had a lot of fun together. Their sense of humour melds together perfectly. Although Nanna asked again why we weren't dating...

I'm not sure what my mother thinks of Sengoku-kun. My father certainly wasn't taken in by his charm.

But we all lounged together in the den, talking and laughing, as Nanna told Sengoku-kun every single embarrassing story she could about me. (He had to ask about the Gully nickname, he just had to...) And luncheon and dinner were especially nice--Nanna even brought me English smelt! (I'm not terribly fond of capelin, which we often get here, being so close to Russia.) The cake, the presents! Ronnie even gave me something, care of Nanna. I love birthdays.

I wish Ryou could have been there, but I don't think he's terribly big on the birthday thing, all things considered. He completely ignores his own.

We didn't get back until very late. My family is wonderful, and so are my friends. I love you all!

I still have been unable to contact Aoi-kun. I hope he doesn't think I'm standing him up. I really do want to play him again. I tried talking to Hiyoshi about that, but ... well, Hiyoshi's been grumpier than usual these last couple of days. He won't talk to me very much and refuses any suggestion to play go... and he's been very harsh on me during tennis practice. I've tried talking to him a few times, but I don't think he's listening. He didn't even seem happy that we received a high mark on our history project.

Hm, I wonder what kind of things he likes to eat? I have the feeling that I did something wrong somewhere, and I want to make it up to him...

Stats, stats, stats.

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 205km/hr
Accuracy: 1/3

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 226 km/hr
Today: 223 km/hr
Accuracy: 1/2
Hit Percentage: 50%

Oh, if only I could capture the sweetness of thy beauty in a vial, to forever hold to my heart, Ryou!
... you're going to frown at me for that one, aren't you?

This is me, signing off.
Ikkyuu nyuu kon!

I have spent...

2004-02-13T04:27:46Z

... the entire week inasofar reading Gakuen Nana Fushigi Kei, because this series seems to be the only set of books I have ever seen Hiyoshi pick up beyond whatever is required for school.

I'm... not sure what is so interesting about them, as some of the accounts in the books seem a little... incredulous and ridiculous... but I have a feeling he likes them because of his very particular philosophy in life. Yes, well. I've read them over twice so far, and perhaps I might be able to hold a conversation with Hiyoshi about them sometime over our next go game. (And find out why he holds such a view...)

... speaking of which, I beat him at go today. To be honest, it was not much of a victory, and I think I only won because he seemed a little distracted by my constant nagging to see the costume for his play, as well as my usual barrage of questions prying into his life. Still, my first victory! However, I don't think Hiyoshi will be taking it easy on me any longer. He had that Look in his eyes--the one he gets when he plans on crushing his opponent with the most humiliating of defeats.

You know, I visited Rokkaku-chuu last weekend and obtained the email address from their captain to schedule a rematch between the future of Hyotei and the future of Rokkaku... but silly, stupid me! I lost it! I kept it because I was sure I wouldn't misplace it, but I have looked everywhere, and that little slip of paper is gone. How frustrating... I really don't know how to contact him... Does anyone know of an Aoi-kun at Rokkaku-chuu, or have any means of contacting him? Or perhaps one of the other members of the club? I'd sorely appreciate it.

All is quiet here, even as I wait with baited breath for Sunday. I heard that Nanna is coming down! (You get to meet her, Sengoku-kun!)

Otherwise, I've been practicing hard:

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 201km/hr
Accuracy: 3/4

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 226 km/hr
Today: 226 km/hr
Accuracy: 1/2
Hit Percentage: 49%

(Hi, Ryou! I hope you liked the cookies I left you! Huggle your monitor for me!)

This is me, signing off.
Uhm... ... Gekokujou....???

Well now...

2004-02-04T05:38:07Z

... I'm sure the dorm masters are convinced there is a conspiracy afoot. Again Hiyoshi and I had to file a report about our broken window. This time the culprit was not Ryou... but I hate to guess what the dorm masters must be thinking.

So, Hiyoshi has pushed his bed against mine again, in the interest of space. We're told the window will be back up by Friday, so all fingers are crossed. It's terribly cold.

Some fired up numbers though!

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 198km/hr
Accuracy: 3/4

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 224 km/hr
Today: 221 km/hr
Accuracy: 5/8
Hit Percentage: 47%

(Psst. Guess what, Ryou? I love you!)

This is me, signing off.
Ikkyuu nyuu kon!

Hmm...

2004-02-01T06:35:27Z

I was given a flier yesterday afternoon at practice to some sort of fundraiser to be held at Rokkaku-chuu. Atobe-san had thoughtfully addressed it to me, with a slight hint that perhaps I should seek a rematch with the team--and here was a great way to introduce it.

I showed the flyer to Hiyoshi, but I think he was rather turned off by the amoeba on the front. I called Sengoku afterwards though, and he agreed to go instead. I don't think he knows any of the Rokkaku players, so this will be a good experience for both of us!

Although I'm not sure why the flyer has a picture of an amoeba when it's supposed to be a bake sale... wouldn't some cookies be more applicable? Oh well.

Anyone else feel like coming?

Whew, it's just been one crazy week, what with the history project due yesterday and all. But we finished it, and I think we did fairly well. I'm just glad it's over. I haven't touched my violin in ages! I think after I finish this entry, I'll torture Hiyoshi a little with some Mozart.

I think he still thinks I'm a little weird, but he's not as distant as before.

Hm... Atobe-san is... ... Atobe-san. You'd think I'd learn by now not to judge him so quickly, but... I keep forgetting that he does nothing without purpose. He really amazes me--he is exactly what my father expects me to be.

I don't know how Atobe-san does it... but sometimes I wonder if he's a little lonely...

Ach! Anyway, numbers! After wowing Aoi-kun with my scud missile, I decided to try even harder at it! (Although kantoku reprimanded me for neglecting my serve as of late...)

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 195km/hr
Accuracy: 1/2

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 224 km/hr
Today: 223 km/hr
Accuracy: 1/2
Hit Percentage: 46%

Hi, Ryou!
I love you!
Will you smile for me?
Oh, come on. Just a little?
Please? (Yes, I'm giving you that 'annoying' look right now.)
I can tell when you smile. My heart sings.
Ah ha! Just like that.

This is me, signing off.
Ikkyuu nyuu kon!

Go Hiyoshi-Ohtori doubles pair!

2004-01-23T04:06:15Z

Tuesday, Hiyoshi and I played against Aoi Kentarou-kun and Kurobane Harukaze-san of Rokkaku-chuu. The game was fairly evenly matched, and it's hard to say who was really the stronger side: Aoi-kun was most terribly sick (I hope he's better!), so I think it was a little uneven, to say the least. I hope we'll be able to go down to Chiba for a rematch someday and settle the question once and for all.

However, I will say Hiyoshi is most definitely not suited for doubles--he's not very good at reading me or sharing the court. (Unlike Ryou, of course.) I can read him fair enough at least, but our combination certainly wasn't Hyotei quality, or what I'm used to.

If nothing else, I could say the same about Kurobane-san and Aoi-kun. I don't think Aoi-kun has any real experience in doubles. Kurobane-san does--in fact, he's the doubles partner to Amane-kun (who I had met at the Christmas Ball)! Now that would be something to see... Kurobane-san and Amane-kun versus Ryou and I?

Otherwise, all is going well. Oh, but I did sprain my shoulder a little. I saw the physician about it today, when the swelling didn't go down. Neither Kantoku nor Atobe-san were pleased.

Beyond that, the history project is coming along fine--although Hiyoshi and I have only a little over a week left to complete it. But I think we're making excellent progress, and all is looking fine. I'm not really hurting in that class, but a high grade is always welcome.

My mother has already asked me to keep the 15th free. Sengoku-kun, will you be busy that day?

And no stats today, as I was confined to running laps and cleaning up the courts with the freshmen.

I have...

2004-01-16T00:47:26Z

... a date with Ryou! This weekend. And guess what? He's planning it. I simply cannot wait!

I know, I know, I'm such a sucker... but this is the first time he's really done something like this! I mean, he's done a few things, but actually plan a date? I'm so happy. Ach! Will Sunday just get here already?

Although he's coming over in a little bit, to play chess. Perhaps I can use a little of that aggression and stealth I learned during my match against Atobe-san, and surprise him. I have a feeling he considers me a little predictable.

Also, yesterday was quite interesting! Did you all know that Rokkaku-chuu has a very young captain? Atobe-san said he's a freshman! He certainly plays very well--no doubt if he keeps it up, he'll be quite formidable in his senior year. He's very enthusiastic as well, almost like Akutagawa-senpai when he's awake and interested.

A little too loud for me, though... however, he asked me to play against him. Atobe-san suggested that Hiyoshi join us--a wonderful idea! I haven't broached the idea to him yet... I may as well surprise him, he's been so grumpy lately...

Although I suspect that might have to do with what one of the drama club members told me the other day... but I think it's great he's participating in the play, especially as a guest star! Sengoku-kun, you must come with me to see him. We have to cheer him on!

... I found the script stuffed into the trash can though. Returned it to Mister Toadstool, and hopes it'll be delivered promptly.

And there's the knock. Quick stats!

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 198km/hr
Accuracy: 7/10

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 224 km/hr
Today: 219 km/hr
Accuracy: 1/2
Hit Percentage: 45%

This is me, signing off.
Ikkyuu nyuu kon!

Study, study, study...

2004-01-10T03:02:05Z

The math test is tomorrow morning... I'm taking a much needed break from all the algebra--I'm reaching the point where x and y can both take a hike up to China and jump off the Great Wall. They say the artistic types tend not to be able to function with their.. erm, left brain?, so it makes subjects which require extensive logic difficult. Such as mathematics.

... not that logic is of any use in math. Half of it is theoretical, and the rest of it defies all laws of reality.

Hiyoshi seems to have no problem though. It seems like something he'd be good at anyway. He's been helping me study the entire week; I'll have to treat him later for everything's he done for me.

After the test... it's history project time. Lucky that I know two people who are so good at it!

Atobe-san seems to be in a really good mood these last few days. Well, really, he's the same as ever, but I noticed there's a shine to his eyes that hasn't been there for quite some time. I wonder what it is? Our chess match has been put off again (Atobe-san was busy that day, and I had to use the free time to study for the test as it stood anyway), and he's been going out a lot lately...

Whatever it is, I'm glad to see him looking a little more alive than as of late. (Well, as much as he'd show it.)

Speaking of alive, I don't think Ryou is. He hasn't answered his phone (and I'm getting really sick of talking to his voice message), and I'm starting to get a little worried. I think a surprise visit is most called for. It is too bad that I don't know anyone at Sei-Rudolph to check up on him...

Ryou, if you're reading this, you're a terrible boyfriend. I hope you have a good excuse! (Jest, jest. But at least let me know that you're not in a hospital somewhere, in a coma or somesuch...)

Today's numbers! Note the improvement in the scud missile--Hiyoshi has been such a wonderful partner!

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 200km/hr
Accuracy: 4/5

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 224 km/hr
Today: 224 km/hr
Accuracy: 1/2
Hit Percentage: 47%

This is me, signing off.
Ikkyuu nyuu kon!

P.S.: Sengoku-kun, are you free on Sunday?

Il faut avoir perdu le bon sens pour m'attribuer cette coïonnerie...

2004-01-06T05:02:19Z

... or so Voltaire says. Although for me, perhaps it should be quelqu'un doit avoir perdu ses facultees pour ne pas m'attribuer cette cochonnerie? Hard to say, mm? (I hope I did that right. My French isn't something to be envied.)

It's good to be back in school, at the least. My math teacher just placed a major test for the end of the week, and then my history teacher announces a major project due next month! ... really, it's good to be back in school!

And it's good to be back at practice! I asked Hiyoshi today to help me with the scud missile--I warned him how dangerous it is and that he doesn't have to help me and everything, but he agreed. (We're friends.) I hope I don't kill him.

Atobe-san asked to reschedule our chess game to Wednesday evening. (You got that, Sengoku-kun? I left a message on your voice mail too...) He was ... okay, but there's some discolouration on his face... and... well, I guess I shouldn't say any more. It's his prerogative to share with the world if he wants to.

Meanwhile I

Ryou's here. What's he doing here? It's far too late! Will have to relate the rest later then.

I am firmly of the theory...

2004-01-05T05:11:28Z

... that Hiyoshi is purposely not explaining strategems and advanced play in our go games. Understandable, given Hiyoshi's competitive nature, but really! I'm not even 'competition' to begin with! I think I might have to see if the library has any books on go... if not, the internet might be another searchable medium...

Either way, though, it is fun. Of course, I'm utterly terrible at it. Every time I think I have a clever play, I'm outsmarted. Of course, this could all be due not to my inexperience, but Hiyoshi's cleverness. He certainly is a calculating, ruthless tactician, but at least he is not the type to gloat about my crushing defeats.

In other strategy games, I have a date with Atobe-san for chess. And you are most certainly welcome to join us, Sengoku-kun! (At least, I don't think Atobe-san will object too loudly.) Although... I'm not quite sure when we're playing. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon? I'll call you when I find out.

I gave Kabaji his birthday present (not quite sure of his interests, I repeated his Christmas gift and got him another bottle ship kit...). He's so hard to judge, really. I ... think he liked it.

And really, Ryou should check his email more. Or at least his voicemail. It's hard to be your boyfriend, you know, when you forget I exist! (I jest, I jest... really, I do love you.)

School starts back up tomorrow! I'm so ready!

Just a quick note...

2004-01-03T20:50:50Z

... did anyone do anything for Kabaji's birthday today...?

For every effect, there is a cause.

2004-01-02T04:55:50Z

My father gave me a book for Christmas (as he often does), Voltaire's Candide. It's a rather slim volume, and highly tongue-in-cheek, but its implications are rather striking. I'm thoroughly enjoying the text, although I suspect I might have to do a second and third reading--I know my father is going to question me about it when I next see him and the levels in this book are rather complex.

Atobe-san, have you read this novel? If you have, perhaps we can discuss it sometime, maybe even over a game of chess? You still haven't seen the set Sengoku-kun made me! (Also, I want to show you what I did with your Christmas gift--it'll be quite an interesting heirloom to add to the family collection in later years, I just know.)

Either way, it's been a quiet week, and I'm actually rather pleased about it. So many things have happened this December that a little repose is most welcome. I've been using the time well, practicing my music or my tennis, or just sitting here thinking. I've taken up Shindo's story again as well. Vacation's almost over, and it'll be back to school again soon enough... and with the hectic end-of-the-year programs, quiet time will be slim in the coming.

Oh! Hiyoshi gave me a goban as a (belated?) Christmas present!

Of course, I have no idea how to play go, but apparently Hiyoshi has some skill; he's shown me the basics (and completely trounced me in the process), and I think I'll enjoy the game. If nothing else, I'm really flattered that Hiyoshi even gave me the goban, with the seeming intention of grooming me to be an opponent--I really think we're friends now.

I've bought a Bach CD. I had a few of his violin concertos on some other compilations, but this one is all Bach. Cello suites, of course. ... I will learn to appreciate this composer, really.

Speaking of that, Ryou came over on New Year's Eve. Hiyoshi had slipped away to visit the shrines alone, and Ryou and I remained in the dorms. He didn't want to go to any festivals, and I didn't feel like persuading him. I'm not sure if he enjoyed the trip to my home, or if he was scared off by my relatives, but he's been a little quiet since then. I hope he wasn't offset by my father...

Ach. It's getting late, and I want to see if Hiyoshi would like to play another game of go with me.

I'm back...

2003-12-29T00:17:21Z

...back to the chaos of the Hyotei dorms. I already miss home.

I have so much to discuss!

I expected only to spend Christmas with my mother (and Ryou and Hiyoshi, of course), but when we got there, it turned out that this was not to be the case! Nanna, and Jack, and Ronnie, and Uncle Maharu, and Aunt Valentine, and William, and Missy Florence, and all her children, and even my father were all there. What a wonderful surprise! I could tell that Ryou and Hiyoshi were a little intimidated--they're lucky the entire extended family didn't come too, if they felt that it was a little stifling.

Anyway, it was great. I haven't seen Ronnie in ages, and she's just as tough as ever. I told her that Hiyoshi studies various jutsu... oh, how her eyes lit up. In retrospect, it probably was a bad idea, as she kept challenging him... and she threatened Ryou. ... several times. What is it that makes people think he's going to hurt me?

Mom seemed to take fairly well to both Ryou and Hiyoshi. Although, I don't think Dad likes Ryou much--which I already had predicted. I didn't know that Ryou's father was a lawyer too though...? Dad seemed to recognize the name. At least they remained civil (however coldly) to each other.

Nanna loved them both, even though she said Ryou was the ugliest thing she ever saw, and asked if someone .. uhm... urinated in his corn flakes before he came over. (I don't think I even need to touch on her opinion of Hiyoshi, which went anywhere from 'fungus' to 'man-doll.' .... yes, Nanna is very forthright with her opinions.) Still, I think beyond Ryou's usual grumpiness, she approved.

So did Jack... although when Jack started asking rather personal questions about my relationship with Ryou, it got a little uncomfortable. (I cannot believe he gave Ryou that for Christmas! I mean... I know Jack means well, but ... well, that was rather embarrassing.)

Speaking of presents, Ryou went against what I said and got me a present. Well... not really 'got'... he played on his cello for me: Bach's Cello Suite no. 1's Prelude, in fact . He must've practiced so hard to get so good at it! I mean, the liquid playing was so very different from that caterwauling I heard previous. I don't much like Bach, really, but I'll definitely develop a new appreciation if he continues in such a manner.

... of course, I knew about the gift already. I had seen Phil-san haul in the cello when he went to pick up Ryou from his mother's. (My terror abated when I realized that Ryou had gotten rather proficient at it.) But my delight wasn't any less--and I think my love grew a lot more.

Of course, I gave him nothing. It's hard to give anything, when you've already offered your heart and soul... He didn't mind, but I don't think I gave him a chance to when I drowned him in kisses.

I'm also really glad I gave Hiyoshi that daisho for his birthday; although when it came down to his Christmas present, I realized there was little I could give which would top that. (Although I think he secretly likes that mushroom pillow. He put it on the dresser when we unpacked. It was face-down though, so I righted it so everyone can see it's smiling face.) Anyway, he showed me his kata--such beauty, such elegance! Tennis does little credit to his grace. I was struck by the passion that sparked in him as he moved--I've never seen him so alive.

I think a little of my agenda showed through then, but I was so delighted to see that there were ways for him to lose himself. It seemed as if he realized it too, because for a moment, I seriously thought he was going to strike me...

But I think we're actually friends now. He listened to me play the piano (I was flattered by the attention), and even when I was spouting boring nonsense about the stars. It took almost over a school year, but results have finally been achieved.

I'm glad you like my gift, Sengoku-kun! You are completely impossible to shop for. And thank you for your present! My mother thought it was really wonderful too--she says you're a very talented artisan. (I'm wearing it right now!) Nanna gleaned a lot of amusement from your chess figures as well--she was very sorry she didn't get to meet such a colourful, imaginative boy. (And then asked me why we weren't dating.)

I'm sure there's a lot more to tell, but I can't remember it all. However, I had a lot of fun, and it definitely was one of the best Christmases ever. Too bad it had to end. I already miss sharing a bed with Ryou...

At my parents' house...

2003-12-22T00:46:28Z

...with Ryou and Hiyoshi. ...and a lot of relatives that I didn't expect to be here (including Nanna and Ronnie and Jack!), and my father.

This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

I'll write more if I get a chance.

[ Thanks. ]

An early Merry Christmas!

2003-12-18T06:45:47Z

I saw Sengoku-kun yesterday after school, and he gave me an early Christmas present! There is absolutely no way to describe just how wonderful it is--a travelling chessboard with special, handmade figurines, carved into the various characters of our little D&D roleplay. I don't recognize some of the characters, but it's really amazing. Now I want to write up more on Shindo's story!

I wonder if there's anyone around that knows how to play chess. I really want to use this set! Perhaps Oshitari-senpai knows. Or maybe I can teach Hiyoshi. He seemed a little interested (I think?) when I showed him the set.

After I saw Sengoku-kun, I went to Sei-Rudolph to see Ryou-san (Ryo.u.sa.n.), about fitting for his tux. However, he found out that the ball isn't really a formal, black-tie event, and put his foot down about being put into one. Well! There goes my plan. I had really hoped to see him all decked up in formal wear. Can you imagine how it'd sit on him?

I couldn't stay long... he was busy cramming for his finals.

You know, I miss playing tennis with him. Maybe we should play again, one day.

[ What happened last night is the last thing I could ever expect from Atobe-san. In fact, some part of me is convinced it was a dream, since I don't think I could have ever witnessed it.

Atobe-san is ... not someone I would consider a friend. He is a senpai, and a buchou, but certainly not a friend. That is why I am surprised that... that I had been the one for him to reveal himself as so painfully human to.

I know it was unintentional--I had simply come upon him at the wrong time... and pressed myself upon him when I should not have. I thought I could help him... he is not my friend, but it felt wrong to see a proud leader so humbled, especially after all he's done to aid me.

My father always said that festering wounds should be lanced, before they can heal. And that is what I tried to do. Only I am not a skilled surgeon--in the end, I may have done more damage than the wound itself.

... my father also said that men should never give advice. They should lead by example, but never counsel. I think I should've heeded those words that night. I went in helping... and left harming. I also received a rather telltale bruise for my meddling.

Atobe-san is a proud man, of many talents and incredible charisma. I do not agree with some of his ethics, and I believe that some of his moral fiber is lacking... but there is no doubt that he is a great leader. Sometimes he seems unapproachable to me, not because he is awe-inspiring, but because he sets himself apart as awe-inspiring.

He talked to me about perfection.

And I suddenly had understood.

He seems greater in my eyes, now. A flawed gem, priceless in its uniqueness.

After all, isn't that why I admire Ryou-san so? ]

[
Friends/schoolmates:

Sengoku-kun: The book of fairy tales is near completion. I spent most of lunch fashioning the cover and binding the pages together.

Hiyoshi: It's hard getting time to work on his present when he's not around, so progress is slow.

Atobe-san: I know exactly what to get him as my personal gift, and I'm going to have to ask Phil-san to drop it off ASAP so I can get the engravement done. Secret Santa gift still unknown...

Oshitari-senpai: He's seen it, hated it. Might have to ask Mukahi-senpai on what to get...

Mukahi-senpai: Feathers bought today, still have no idea how I'm going to make this...

Akutagawa-senpai: Looking for the lamb plush tomorrow!

Kabaji: Not sure

Taki-senpai: Got the pink, glittery fairy wings at a toy store, and the watergun too. Even found some shiny tulle to wrap both in.

Kantoku: ...

Sensei-tachi: Cards gotten. Just need to fill them in, and give them out on Friday.

Family:

Dad: Will wrap the book when I get home.

Mom: A dance. Still have to find someone to play? Deciding on what composition...

Nanna: Started the doll a few minutes ago.

Pappy: Green tea gotten, will go out to get the sumi-e before I leave for home this weekend.

Jack: Found a really lovely bracelet and ring ensemble while I was out.

Ronnie: Bought and stained the box, just need to varnish and paint the design...

Everyone else in Britain: Picked up the cards, found some candy shaped like sushi and pocky for the younger set, several geta sandals, and a neko-neko statue.

Others?

Kamio-kun: ...

Rin-chan: Got the streamers and ribbons and charms.

Sengoku-kun's mother and father: Still compiling the book--I'll have to talk to Phil-san ASAP--and bought the mug. Humourous one.

... the only Christmas I'll probably be able to spend with Ryou-san, yet I refuse to give...

]

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas~!

2003-12-16T05:11:47Z

During the course of all the hectic events of late, from my grandmother passing away, to Ryou-san leaving, to Kamio-kun getting injured, to... just everything, my favorite holiday has totally slipped from my mind.

No longer! I've already lost almost three weeks, and now with little less than a fortnight till Christmas, I'm rushing about to get everything settled.

This afternoon, I took Hiyoshi out shopping for our tree. It's a delightful thing, a forty-eight inch Douglas fir, with 424 tips. Hiyoshi chose gold, and I chose pearl, so our theme is gold and pearl. Some brushed gold balls with white snowflakes, strings of pearls, bows of gold and white, pearl icicles, and a touch of fake snow upon the branches completed our little tree. Hiyoshi did the top. I showed him how to make a florist's bow, and voila!

We hung up our stockings for Santa--a concept I had to explain to Hiyoshi. I think I might fill his stocking with mushrooms, if he persists with the funny looks. (The window has been finally fixed, by the by... Santa will have to knock if he wants in.) And then finally, came the crowning moment: hanging the year's ornaments on the tree.

Hiyoshi picked a lovely glass bird as his. I'm really surprised he picked such a fragile, delicate ornament, but it really is beautiful. It joined my crane of last year. I don't think it had any meaning for him, but it's pretty, nonetheless.

As for me... a candle. The whole thing is coloured glass, the stem hatched with gold and glitter. It serves as a reminder, that no matter how dark things get, I am not alone. There is always a beam of light to guide my way.

[ I'm really in a bind this year! I think most of my free time is going to be spent hurriedly making and getting everyone's presents. And there are so many! I won't get the presents to my relatives in Britain on time, but I think they'll forgive me.

Friends/schoolmates:

Sengoku-kun: If only everyone were this easy; a handmade book of various fairy tales, with illustration, and some shiny baubles.

Hiyoshi: ?? ... I found a cute mushroom pillow pattern...

Atobe-san: ... I have to get two for him! Cursed Secret Santa! I can't even think of one!

Oshitari-senpai: I have recently finished the French novel 'Le Comte de Montecristo,' and watched an American movie for it--which is ten times more sappy than the novel. ... I wonder if he's seen it?

Mukahi-senpai: ... I wonder if it's hard to make a feather boa...

Akutagawa-senpai: Most assuredly, a big lamb plush to cuddle.

Kabaji: The mystery of mysteries. He's pleasant enough that he'll accept anything. But what? I'll have to ask buchou, who seems to know him better than the rest of us.

Taki-senpai: ... I saw this really ridiculously large watergun... perhaps that and pink fairy wings?

Kantoku: ...

Sensei-tachi: Just some well-wishing cards...

Family:

Dad: A compilation of Aristotle, from 'Politics' to 'Nicomachean Ethics,' all in the original Grecian text--I've been hiding it in my room at home since the beginning of summer...

Mom: A dance.

Nanna: One of my straw men dolls. Doesn't she have about eight now? I seem to make one every year.

Pappy: Some green tea, and a sumi-e set. Doubtful he'll use them, but I'm sure they remind him of ... his birthplace. (All male Ohtori's seem to be doomed to wanderlust. Will it hit me too?)

Jack: .... if I can make a feather boa for Mukahi-senpai, he'd probably like one too...

Ronnie: A small jewelry box, that I'll have to make.

Everyone else in Britain: Well wishes, some cards, and something appropriately 'Japanese.' Thankfully, the Oukamidani do not celebrate Christmas... (big families indeed!)

Others?

Kamio-kun: ... is he still speaking to me?

Rin-chan: I can make a nice barrette or hair bow for her.

Sengoku-kun's mother and father: A delicacy recipe book for his sweet mother, and a coffee mug for his father.

.... and then Ryou-san....

I have a gift for him. I got it, a long time ago, when I went to Korea. That hat wasn't the only thing I got him... but, I don't think I will give it to him now... it's still wrapped in the blanket I left it in. It will probably remain there for a very long time.

Really, I don't think I have anything left to give him. He'll have to be content with that. I asked him not to give me a present--I hope he listens this time. ]

Such a long list--I hope I'm not forgetting anyone.

In the meantime, I seem to have caught a slight cold. Nothing substantial--just the sneezes and sniffles. It's not bad during the day, but during the mornings and nights, I go into long sneezing fits... I hope I'm not keeping Hiyoshi up during bedtime.

I will be dropping by to see Sengoku-kun tomorrow afternoon to apologize for my previous behavior. (I think Kamio-kun is there, too?) And then I think I will swing by Sei-Rudolph to return Ryou-san's umbrella. It did me little good against the rain, really--and the cold was even worse since I had no coat--but the gesture was certainly sweet.

Ah. And Atobe-buchou plays the piano very well, when he wants to. He can make the instrument sing... even if the song is painful to hear.

Also, Kantoku was not pleased with me skipping practice for two days in a row, unless I was dying or dead. I spent the last few days running laps, while carrying bags of sand. I expect I shall be doing more tomorrow. It is my just punishment, after all, for letting my own personal issues interfere with my required duties. So no stats today.

Although, I think my arms might fall off soon, if this keeps up.

What's in a name .... ?

2003-12-15T00:25:08Z

Ryou-san.
Ryou-san.

Ryou-san.
Ryou-san. Ryou-san.

Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san. Ryou-san.

Ryo.u.sa.n.

In other news, I am feeling much better, and I have a lot of apologies to give out for my unseemly behaviour as of late.

[ We're friends again.

It's not that bad. In fact, I think it might be better than trying to pursue a ... dating relationship. Somehow our friendship seems even better than before--he doesn't flinch away from me, and he's much more open. I'm not sure, but I think he trusts me a little more now.

He asked me to call him Ryou.

I had been asking myself 'how important' ever since our seeming break-up... but now I know.

That important. ]

ikkyuu_nyuu_kon @ 2003-12-12T19:27:00

2003-12-13T03:27:29Z

I am going home for the weekend. (...skipping Saturday classes again...) I think the time away will do me good.

I shall return Sunday evening.

To any it may concern...

2003-12-11T04:13:33Z

Please do not take it personally if I may seem distant to any of you. Currently, I have no desire to keep up any pretense of being social.

ikkyuu_nyuu_kon @ 2003-12-10T03:09:00

2003-12-10T06:09:59Z

I don't hate him.

I don't think that is possible.

I don't hate myself.

I was raised better than that.

I hate my actions.

'Hate the sin, love the sinner,' is it?

I... was stupid, certainly. Foolish. Irrational.

I realized what I was so afraid of.

I am afraid of not being needed. Of being rejected. Abandoned.

Especially by him.

And the result I most wanted to avoid, I received. He asks me to trust him--I do not lie when I say I do. But he asks me to trust him completely... and I hesitate.

I don't know why. Anything else, I would've gladly jumped the edge of the precipice into the unknown, but when he asks that... I pause.

He wants me to give everything, without wanting a thing in return.

I want to think that it is something I can do. People say I am a kind, wonderful boy, so giving and loving! Isn't that the best joke? Because in the one moment where I should be at my most unselfish, I step back. I step back and I refuse, and I say that it is unfair. Unfair. Unfair that I cannot give the one I supposedly love the trust he deserves, because I--*I*--want something in return. Because I am afraid that if I do not have it, then I shall experience all that I am afraid of: abandonment, rejection, loneliness. Unfair to me? Unfair to him!

I'm so selfish. Foolish. Stupid.

I can't trust him completely because of my own fear.

And yet... I know what he is capable of. Is my fear justified? Perhaps. It's funny... I spend so much time assuring people that he is, in fact, a wonderful person. That he might be gruff, and grumpy, and maybe even a little crass... but deep down, he is dedicated, and passionate, and intelligent, and considerate, and sweet, and just beautiful. I'm used to the eye-rolls and the incredulous looks whenever I try to assert these facts... facts I whole-heartedly believe in.

Believed in?

If I believe in them, then why was I so quick to accuse him of infidelity? ... was it even infidelity? We weren't dating... were we? But the anger filled me at the remote thought of him with anyone else that wasn't me... no, not that. Of him, being with someone else, while being with me. While leading me on. Basking in my complete worship while catering to others. His heart, his body, his soul is his to give. If I cannot make him happy, I think I can live with that. But the thought that I was being kept as some sort of back-up trinket? It filled me with anger. Yes. That was what I was angry about.

Yet, what I believe tells me he would never do that. The facts I believe. Believed.

... I believe....

I believe I was the one who was unfaithful.

I was the apostate.

I am the apostate.

I don't think I really loved him.

Love him.

Not enough.

Too much.

My father was right.

About everything.

Too much on my mind...

2003-12-08T08:19:33Z

I can't sleep. I'm trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake Hiyoshi with my sudden bout of insomnia, and so far, so good.

Checking around some of the journals have revealed that my paintball idea was a fair success. Of course, a few people were rather unhappy about it, and I apologize. Some came at my invitation, others were... for the lack of a better word, kidnapped. Again, I apologize to those, but to the others, I'm pleased that you had a good time. (While Sengoku-kun seriously enjoyed the trip, Hiyoshi really didn't... but he seemed pleased with his birthday gift at least. It's so hard to tell with him. Even Shishido-san is easier to read...)

As for me, I came away with some bruising, and the desire to refamiliarize myself with a rifle and bow. When I was young, I travelled to Britain on a few occasions; Pappy--my father's father--would take my cousins and I out hunting. I recall enjoying the experience, and after this paintball escapade, I think I will experience it again when I visit in the spring.

It's too bad the tournament got delayed however... but that gives Sengoku-kun and I more time to practice on our doubles...

[ Atobe-san is upset with me. I will have to say, I did not behave accordingly either, so he has every right to be. Sometimes, it is hard to see when Atobe-san is trying to impart some wisdom or advice... he infers, rather than tells, and again, I have misunderstood him. I thought he was mocking me and my ideals, but he was sincerely trying to advise me. Losing my temper with him was completely uncalled for. I'm going to apologize to him tomorrow, as soon as I see him, although I don't know if he will accept it... I feel so awful.

Kawamura-san ... shot me in the leg during the paintball game for his boyfriend... who apparently is Kamio-kun's best friend. Small world. I ... don't know how that's supposed to fix anything, and I certainly don't understand it, but love does do some strange things to people. I can testify to that. I'm not angry. I wasn't seriously injured--the bruise is large, but I can still play tennis fine--and it made Kawamura-san and his boyfriend supposedly feel better, so all's well end's well, I suppose. But now I'm worried about what I'll have to do?suffer? just to make Kamio-kun feel better over this whole thing. I've been avoiding him, just for that issue, but now that he's living with Sengoku-kun, there can be none of that.

And then there's Shishido-san. I was supposed to call him today. I have not. I've been putting off calling him or seeing him, ever since my grandmother passed away... I had called him when I left for her funeral, to let him know that I was going to be gone for the weekend... and when he asked why, I hung up on him. Hung up on Shishido-san. And when he tried calling back, I ignored him. Even when I called him later, just to hear his voice, I hung up on him again! He had just wanted to know what was wrong with me, and I was terrified of telling him. I know his reaction, and... I think some part of me believes that if he doesn't say or do what I know he will, then he won't.

So. It's been over a week since I've talked with him. Two since we've seen each other. He hasn't called or come by, so I definitely know I made him angry.

My cell is right by me. It's open. I only have to press a key to dial his number.

Why can't I? Why am I such a coward? I keep avoiding things that I'm afraid will hurt me. My father would be so ashamed. I'm so ashamed. What is it really that I'm so damned afraid of?

I should call him. I'll never sleep unless I do. ]

I think I'm going to write a little more in Shindo's story now. The Shindo puppet is looking at me and is just asking for me to write more of his story.

With that aside...

2003-12-02T04:49:02Z

My wooden marionette of Shindo came in! He's absolutely delightful--so well made and just as I depicted. He's currently sitting on my desk as I type. Remarkable how that scowl looks so accurate.

I saw Sengoku today, and gave him his belated birthday gift. He seemed to have liked it, but I wish I could've given him something more appropriate. Unfortunately, the charm was all I could think of at the time.

I think he might enjoy our date a little bit more. And I'm bringing along another birthday boy...

Speaking of which, my new roommate seems to be adjusting well to his new settings. I'm happy about that. He's already packed everything in and made himself at home. He isn't quite the slob Shishido-san is, so I can actually see the floor on that side of the room. Imagine my surprise at discovering the carpet colour!

Hiyoshi has this quarterstaff of sorts hanging on the wall above his bed... I know his family owns a dojo, and that he himself has expertise in a few areas thereof, but I've only been witness to this expertise as applied to tennis. I'm curious to ask him about it, but I don't want to pry. I don't think he's comfortable with me yet... that, and he's naturally reticent. He's barely spoken any words beyond the usual to me since he's moved in. (Of course, I've been away...)

Wow. It's like Shishido-san never left!

Also, I'm still without a doubles partner. Ranking is still going on within the troops--I'm not quite sure who kantoku or buchou is supporting, but it seems a close bid for the coveted spot. Also, at kantoku's instruction, I showed him my scud missile. His face registered no change, and I received little comment from him, but he asked me to continue working on it... with an automated ball machine, set to various oscillations. I still feel the shot is incredibly dangerous, but I suppose kantoku feels that with the right amount of control, the missile will become a worthy adversary.

As such, it's included in today's numbers:

Scud Serve stats:
Record: 217km/hr
Today: 195km/hr
Accuracy: 2/3

Scud Missile stats:
Record: 223 km/hr
Today: 223 km/hr
Accuracy: 1/10
Hit Percentage: 14%

I love and miss you-know-who.
This is me, signing off.
Ikkyuu nyuu kon!

A eulogy? A relevation?

2003-12-01T05:24:57Z

As I had stated in a previous journal entry, my grandmother passed away Thursday evening.

My grandmother was very sick. However, being the stoic woman that she was, she hid it from everyone, including her own children. She took her pain and suffering with silence, and troubled no one about it. Her death was a surprise to all, although hindsight revealed indications in her behaviour otherwise.

Her funeral was on Friday. Many came, and many spoke. She had done much in life, even in her dwindling years. She was well loved, held in high esteem by all who knew her. It seemed... foreign... that a woman, so patient and wise could leave us all so suddenly.

And yet, she has passed on, like all people eventually do. My mother was torn by her death, but she is coping, as is the rest of us.

You see, my grandmother was one of the few in this country who was not Shinto in belief, nor Buddhist, nor a pragmatist. When she was a girl, she had met a Western missionary who had converted her in some form to Christianity. She raised her children with that belief, Christianity mixed with Eastern theology. Her children, in turn, raised their children with that belief as well.

Death to us is but another stage in life; we are taught this at the moment of our births. It is a passing, a stairwell from the lower to the higher, from the suffering to the glory. Death happens to everyone, and we accept it as a given--just as much as that the sun will rise in the morning.

I had only experienced death in the form of a loved cat, until this weekend. While Chopin was well-loved, the death of my grandmother was different from the death of my pet. She had always been there, a rock against the waves, and because of that, one always expects it to so remain.

So while my mother's family were raised to accept death, my grandmother's passing pains all of us because we are unable to let go.

We console ourselves with frivolous thoughts. Oh, she is no longer suffering. Oh, she is gone from this devil's world. Oh, when she next awakens, she will rise in glory and grace.

But it all comes down to the fact that she is gone.

Death is but a fact of life. We die a little, day by day, hour by hour. A month lost is a month that can never be regained. Every time a second passes, it is but a step closer to that unknown oblivion.

What is there? You lose everything at death. 'Life is short,' they say, 'do what you can.' But you lose those memories when you die.

So what is there?

Such a questioning of my faith would disappoint my mother.

However, do not be mistaken... I'm not drowning in despair.

For I want to experience. 'Now' is what is important. Not 'then,' not 'later.' Everyday, I want to experience. Joy, sadness, cold, warmth, pain, love.

Because when I die and lose these memories, I will die with the knowledge that I lived.

I'm sure that is what my grandmother did. That is what she taught her family.

'Live well, live good, and live with the glory of God. And you shall live forever.'

Even if there is no afterlife, as I have learned that some people believe, then surely immortality is gained through the memory of others.

I will experience. My grandmother's memory lives through me.

PS: Thank you again, Atobe-san, for calling with your condolences. And thank you, Sengoku-kun, for the flowers.